Girl in a Smart Uniform

 23 March 1932 : food fight? 

The doorbell rang. I didn’t want to get up and answer it straight away. I was too absorbed in my history project. Whoever was there rang again and again. Then they kept their finger on the bell. It got louder and louder and started to hurt my ears. All right then. I opened the door, and there was Thomas standing on the step.

“Will you do something for me?”

“What? Why?”

“My mother’s expecting a parcel and I‘ve got to go out.”

“Why can’t you wait for it?”

“Because we’re going on a hike, and we’re going to build a campfire and cook on it.” His eyes were shining.

“Well I hope you don’t mess up your lovely new uniform.” I felt a bit mean as soon as I’d said it.

“You could join the Jungmädel.”

Hmm. Herr Silber kept saying he would buy me the uniform and Kurt thought it would be a good idea. Bear, though, said I would have plenty of time for those sorts of things later. Mutti just smiled and shrugged her shoulders every time the subject came up. Anyway, back then, I wasn’t sure I was thant keen on creepy crawlies and sleeping outside. I wished, though, that I could enjoy things like Thomas did.

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

“Well, can you take this parcel or not?”

“Yeah, I guess. Just leave a note on the door.” 

“Well I hope you don’t get the hook-nose.”

“Hook-nose?”

“He’s a Jew.”

“So?”

Thomas rolled his eyes. “Don’t you know anything? You know. Jesus-hater. Home-wrecker. Work-stealer.”

What was he talking about? “Oh, just put a note on the door and tell him to come here.”

      Thomas jumped on the spot and clapped his hands. “Thanks.” 

I shut the door and returned to my project. What an idiot! Getting so excited about going out into the countryside with a load of other idiots. 

Soon I was once again trying to work out who German people were really supposed to be. Herr Lindemann was always going on about how we should be proud to be German and we should look at all the history books to see how great Germans really were. But we’re not. We’re poor and we keep losing wars.

Then I heard Bear coming down the stairs.

“Hey, Giselchen. Are you doing your homework on a nice sunny day like today? You should be out getting some fresh air.”

I smiled to myself. I knew why he was in such a good mood. He’d come back on leave last night and he’d gone for a walk with Helga Brassel. Maybe they’d kissed. I was a bit jealous in a way. Maybe when he came home now he wouldn’t have so much time for me. Never mind, though, I was glad he was happy. He was so nice, my big Bear brother. Especially when he was cheerful. And that always made it nicer for me as well.

He leaned over to see what I was writing. “Oh, oh, oh. The glorious German people. Do you think so, really?”

“It’s what Herr Lindemann says.”

 “Well, if it’s what your teacher says, I suppose it must be true. Or at least you’d better pretend to agree just in case.”

As if I’d ever not do what my teacher told me. What was he thinking?

The doorbell rang again. Before I could get up out of my seat Bear had rushed to the front door and opened it. It was the parcel man. I could tell by the conversation.

“That right Giselchen? You’re to take in a parcel for Thomas’s Mutti?”

Did he have to call me that in front of other people? I quite liked it when we were at home together as a family. But I was growing up now and ought to be called by my proper name. “Yes,” I called.

A few moments later he came back into the kitchen with a large brown box. “I wonder what they’ve been buying? It’s not very heavy.”

“Was it the hook-nose?”

“What?”

“The hook-nose.” What else had Thomas said? “The Jesus-hater?”

“Now then.” Bear’s eyes were flashing. I’d never known him be angry before. Well not with me, anyway. Sometimes when he and Kurt argued perhaps. “Do you mean was he Jewish? Yes he was – is. They’re just people, Gisela. Remember that. Just people.”

I felt my cheeks burning. I didn’t know what to say. 

Bear made himself some breakfast and sat reading the newspaper. He was really cross with me and I didn’t really understand what I’d done wrong. Okay, so Thomas had been a bit cruel in what he’d said but hadn’t Herr Lindemann said almost the same thing? That the German people were good and it was others who were making life difficult for us. Didn’t that mean the Jews?

About an hour later Bear stood up. “I’m going for a walk.”

I would have liked to go with him but something about the way he looked at me told me that that wasn’t an option this time. 

 

Not long after I’d done as much as I could on the history project. I was getting confused, anyway. It didn’t really make sense. Nobody seemed to like the Germans because of the war but Herr Lindemann had kept telling all of us in our class how great the German people were. And the Germans didn’t like the Jews but the Jews were some of the cleverest people around – good business men, doctors and lawyers. I was worried as well that Bear might still be cross and that he wouldn’t want to spend time with me – especially now that Helga was on the scene. Is that where he had gone now? Was that why he hadn’t wanted me to go with him? What could I do to get back into his good books?

I saw his boots standing in the shoe rack. They were pretty dirty. That was it. I could clean them for him.

I put out newspaper and organised the shoe-cleaning things. I brushed off the loose mud and rubbed the polish into the stiff leather. Then I brushed the boots vigorously until they began to shine, finally polishing them really hard with a duster. Goodness, they really gleamed now. I was enjoying this. There were other shoes that needed cleaning as well; Mutti’s working shoes, the ones I wore for school, an old pair of Kurt’s and even some that Vati had left behind. I polished until my arms ached and I had polish all over my arms. I guessed I probably had some on my face as well because I had to keep pushing my hair out of my eyes with my mucky fingers. I was determined now to make sure that all of the shoes really sparkled.

I was just finishing the last pair when I heard Bear whistling.

“Goodness,” he said, as he opened the door. “Somebody’s been busy.”

He definitely seemed in a better mood. He picked up his boots. “You’ll have to join the army if you can shine boots up like that. Where did you learn to clean shoes so well?”

It wasn’t really that clever, was it? I’d watched Vati do it hundreds of times.

“Did you see Helga again?” I couldn’t believe I’d just said that. It was none of my business.

He blushed then grinned. “Yes. I took her some flowers.”

Had they kissed again? Had they even kissed yet? I would have loved to know but didn’t dare ask.

“That’s nice.” Would somebody bring me flowers one day? Herr Silber often brought them for Mutti.

“Actually, do you fancy coming into town with me on the tram? We can go and have coffee and cake? At that nice little place near the synagogue.”

“Now? What about lunch?”

He shrugged. “The portions are big there, I’m told. They’ll make up for not having lunch. And they’re not too expensive, considering. Herr Silber gave me some money last night.”

“Yes, but don’t you want to save it?”

“Helga and her mother are going there this afternoon.”

“So wouldn’t you rather go on your own?”

“You’d be my excuse for going.” 

      I shook my head and then nodded. Why should I argue? I liked cake, didn’t I? It wasn’t often I got taken to a nice café.    

 

I’d never been into this café before. It had always looked too smart. It was in one of the old buildings right in the middle of the town.

“Come on then,” said Bear pushing open the heavy wooden door.

It was a bit gloomy inside at first but my eyes soon got used to it. It was so elegant.  There were white table cloths and pretty china and silver cutlery. There were candles and a small vase of flowers on every table.

There was such a strong smell of coffee and the coffee machine whooshed and spluttered all the time.       

It was quite full. I thought everybody must have a Herr Silber who gave out money, then. The other people there weren’t like us, though. They were all smartly dressed. Some of the ladies were wearing fur stoles even though the weather was so warm.

It was the cakes, though, that astonished me, the most. There were large tarts, covered in fruit, big gateaux smothered in cream and fancy individual ones very cleverly iced. I had no idea which one to choose.   

“Have you decided yet?” Bear was actually frowning as he studied the display.

Then I saw it though.  My favourite. “Can I have some baked cheesecake?” I said. 

“Good choice. Lemonade to drink?”

I nodded.  I really would have liked a coffee, though but Bear would probably have said I was too young.  I wasn’t, but I never wanted to argue with him. 

Bear gave our order to the lady at the counter and a waitress in a very smart black dress and a starched white apron showed us over to the table. Bear gave her our ticket. 

“One black coffee and a lemonade,” he said. He sat up very straight. I think he was trying to look smart. I found it hard not to giggle.

She wrote in her little notebook, smiled at me and then went towards the counter at the back of the shop.

Bear looked around. “Do you like it here?” 

I nodded, though actually I wasn’t all that sure. I felt out of place.  

A few more people came in. All of them were really well dressed. I had put my own best frock on – Bear had said I should. But it looked very dowdy compared with the ones other girls my age were wearing.

“Oh. Here they come.” Bear blushed bright red and looked away. “Don’t stare at them and if they do see you looking, pretend to be surprised.”

“Didn’t you tell her you were going to come here?”

He shook his head.

I quickly looked at Helga and Frau Brassel. Helga was wearing a pretty white dress that had a pattern of pink roses over it. Frau Brassel had on a grey silk dress with a hat and a fur stole to match. Would I ever be able to dress like that? 

At that moment the waitress arrived with our drinks and slices of cake. Bear rubbed his hands together. “This looks good.”

The lemonade was delicious. The cake was rich and creamy. He’d been right; the portions were so big that it more than made up for not having lunch. By the time I’d eaten half of my slice I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to finish it all.  

“Is the coffee all right?”

“The best I’ve ever tasted.”   

“Will you go and talk to them?”

  “Maybe, when we’ve all finished. If I get the chance.”

Suddenly somebody knocked on the window. I jumped. Kurt’s face was staring at me. What was he doing here? He hadn’t written to say he would have some leave.

He mouthed something at Bear and frowned.

“I think I’d better go and talk to him,” said Bear. “You wait here.”

I watched him walk out of the café and into the street. He and Kurt stood talking on the pavement. I couldn’t tell what they were saying. 

I toyed with the last of my cake. I just couldn’t manage it. I pushed the plate away.

“Are you all finished here?”

I nodded. The waitress cleared away the plates, the cup and saucer and the glass. “Would you like anything else?”

I shook my head. “My brother will be back in a minute.”

The waitress smiled and nodded. “Take your time. It’s fine.”

He didn’t come back in a minute, though. Nor in five or ten. He and Kurt were talking for ages. Suddenly Kurt started shouting. I could hear him now all right. So could everybody else in the café.

“You should not be mixing with the scum like that. Don’t you know they’re taking our jobs and stealing our homes and businesses? This café should belong to a good German family, not people like them.”

Bear was shaking his head.

Kurt suddenly stared waving his arms around.

Bear started shouting, though I still couldn’t make out what he was saying.

Then Kurt leaned forward and punched Bear on the nose. It began to bleed. Bear swung his arm at Kurt and made his nose bleed in turn. Then they were on the ground. Punching and kicking each other.

“Help, somebody. Please stop my brothers fighting.” I shouted as loud as I could but everyone just stared at me as I ran out of the café.

“The bill?” said the waitress as she passed me near the doorway.

“It’s all right. We’ll take care of that.” Frau Brassel stood up and waved the waitress over to her.

By the time I got outside two men had pulled Bear and Kurt apart. Kurt shrugged himself away from the man who was holding him. 

“If you’re going to defend that sort of scum you’re not my brother anymore.” He picked up his cap and walked off.

I punched Bear in the stomach. “Why do you and Kurt always have to fight?”

He looked such a mess. His best white shirt was covered in blood and dirty marks. There were some cuts on his face.

Helga and Frau Brassel came out at that moment. Frau Brassel shook her head and raised her eyebrows.

“Helga…?” Bear walked towards her. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

Helga stared at him for a few seconds, frowned, linked arms with her mother and turned her back on him. The two women walked away towards the centre of the town.

I guessed he wouldn’t be kissing Helga anytime soon. He didn’t say a word on the tram journey home.

Find your copy here 

  

 

11 May 1933: German lessons, Girl in a Smart Uniform

 I couldn’t help staring at Herr Lindemann’s scar. It went all the way across his right cheek, from just under his eye to just above his chin. It was quite deep. He told us once he got it from fencing. “All young German men should learn to fence,” he said. “It’s elegant. It teaches self-discipline. It prepares you to fight. And an injury is a badge of honour.” He’d touched his scar then. I wondered whether it had hurt very much when it happened. Now, though, I was having the chance to have a good look at it. It still looked very red at the edges. I wondered just how long ago it was that he’d got it. 

It always fascinated me though. Today it felt extra special. There was something really exciting about it. There was something about the way he was looking at us, too. His eyes seemed to be on fire. I held my breath, waiting for him to tell us what we were going to do.    

He must have known I was thinking about his scar. He touched it and winced. Then he stood up and made his way over to the board.

“So, ladies and gentleman, you will now write your essay.” He took a chalk stick and started writing. “Our title is ‘Why Germany deserves better’.” He wrote the words on the board. He turned to face us. “You might start out with the argument that we were cheated by the Treaty of Versailles. Then you might go on to argue that we have a lot of assets – not least of all our great German people. You could also point out what is holding us back.”

Thomas put his hand up at this point. Herr Lindemann indicated that he should speak.

“Is it the scum that’s holding us back, sir?”

Herr Lindemann nodded. “Depending of course by what you mean by ‘scum’. Maybe defining that will enhance your essay. If I remember rightly, your essays could do with enhancing.”  

Everyone giggled. Thomas blushed bright red. I did think Herr Lindemann could be quite cruel sometimes.

“And finally,” he said, smirking at Thomas, “you can all add a paragraph about what your role is in helping Germany to take up its rightful position in the world. What must young people of today do?” He looked at his watch. “I’m giving you one hour from now.”

Only one hour. To say all of that? Hmm.

I just had to get on with it. I rolled up my sleeves and sat daydreaming for a few minutes.

“Problem, Gisela?” said Herr Lindemann.

I shook my head.  “Just thinking.”

He nodded. “But don’t spend too much time on that. You’ll think up new ideas as you go along. Remember to get on with it.”

I dipped my pen into the ink pot and then started dashing down the words. Yes, Germany was a beautiful country with her rivers and mountains and good climate. Her people were Christian and hard-working. They were God’s own people. There were enemies of the state who tried to steal what was hers. The rest of the world did not appreciate us and we most certainly had not been treated fairly after the Great War.

This was so easy. I had so much to say.

Soon, my wrist was aching. The skin on my middle finger was getting very hard. My fingers were covered in ink. Still, though, I kept on dipping my pen in the inkpot and then I’d scratch away on the paper. 

I was just writing my last sentence as Herr Lindemann cleared his throat. “That’s it then. Time’s up. Put your pens down.” Gosh. That hour had gone quickly.  

He stopped by my desk. He picked up my essay and started reading it through. “Hmm. Some good ideas here, Gisela. Yes, God’s own people indeed.” He looked up from the paper. “How do we know that, though? How do we know that we are God’s own people? You mention the scum. How do we recognise them? How do we get rid of them? Well? Any ideas anyone?”

Bettina Joseph put her hand up. “They look different from us.”

“That’s right. They do. We have our own particular features. So many of you in class today. Beautiful blond hair and clear blue eyes. That’s the way we want it.”

Well, my hair isn’t all that blond. It’s more light brown. My eyes are blue, though.  Was it all enough to make me look German? I hoped so. I really wanted to serve the new Germany.

“Well, well, well. Yes, good German girls indeed. Good. Now, everyone, you may pack away and make your way home. Talk to your parents about the essay you’ve just written.”     

I started to put my books into my satchel. Herr Lindemann put his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Gisela. I know you are German through and through. Beautiful clear blue eyes. You hair is almost blond. When you’re older you can get some help from a bottle. It will be fine.”

I felt my cheeks go red.

“Really. Don’t worry. Just show what a perfect German girl you are.”

I finished gathering my things as quickly as I could and ran out of the classroom. I ran all the way home. I would show them. I would show them all that I was a fine German citizen.   

20 April 1933: great expectations, Girl in a Smart Uniform

 

It really made me squirm sometimes. In the early days when Herr Silber used to stay over I didn’t understand what was happening. Strange noises would come from Mutti’s room. Groans and screams and the bed sounded as if someone was using it as a trampoline. It used to scare me and I thought he was murdering Mutti. I used to hold my breath and hope it would end soon. I sometimes wondered whether I should go in there and try and stop them but I was worried that Herr Silber might try and hurt me as well. Besides I didn’t like the way he looked at me sometimes or the way he touched me.

I asked Bear about it one day. He laughed. “You don’t need to worry,” he said. “You’ll understand one day. Honest, you will. They’re not hurting each other.”

Of course I did understand eventually but I still didn’t like it. It seemed so repulsive to me. A man sticking his –well, you know what – into a woman’s private parts. What on earth had that got to do with romantic love?

Kissing was all right, I supposed. I’d never tried it. I’d never met a boy I’d want to kiss, in fact. I couldn’t understand some of the girls at school who go on about this boy or that one. They all seem a bit idiotic to me. 

Anyway, there hadn’t been so much of that type of activity going on recently though Herr Silber had been making quite a fuss of Mutti. And we all knew why. It happened again that morning.  

Yes, she was being sick in the bathroom. I’d heard her every day that week. It always seemed to happen between six o’clock and eight o’clock in the morning. Then she wouldn’t eat any breakfast.

“You must eat, Tilde,” said Herr Silber. She just shook her head and said “I just can’t Poldi.” That stupid name again.

I’d noticed as well that she seemed to have gone off coffee. And that her dresses and blouses were bursting open at the front. I bumped into her one day and brushed against her chest. “Be careful,” she said. “I’m a bit tender there.”

Then in the afternoons she got her appetite – and often for the most peculiar things. She would eat pickled herring and chocolate.

I know what that means now. I didn’t back then. The BDM girls told me when I said I thought she must be very ill.

“Don’t be daft, Gisela. She’s going to have a baby. Funny things like that happen to a woman when she’s expecting a baby.”

Of course, they all worked out easily enough that it was Herr Silber’s baby. They weren’t unkind. In fact, one or two of them were quite flattering about it.

“With a father like that it’s going to be a really beautiful child,” said one.

“You Mutti’s really doing her bit, isn’t she? Good for her!” said another.         

Herr Silber kept looking at her meaningfully and saying “Isn’t it about time you went to the doctor’s, Tilde, and got it confirmed?”

She just laughed and said “There’s nothing wrong with me. We can wait a while.” It seemed to me almost as if she didn’t want this baby after all. She should have gone to the doctor’s though. It wasn't as if Herr Silber couldn’t afford it. I guess it just might have been because she knew having a baby would spoil her looks.

Then that morning she fell over. It was silly really. She’d been cleaning the kitchen floor. She walked across it in her stockinged feet. That was asking for trouble. She slipped and landed awkwardly. It really frightened me and she started crying.

“Oh no, the baby. I daren’t lose the baby. He’ll kill me. It’s taken so long for this to happen.”

“Well we’d better go to the doctor’s then. Can you walk?” 

“I don’t know. I don’t think so!”

“Shall I get an ambulance, then?”

She shook her head. “Poldi’ll go mad. The expense.” 

“But you’ve got to be looked at.”

She somehow managed to stagger to her feet. I helped her on with her hat and coat and we hobbled to the doctor’s. Fortunately his surgery was just in the next street.

She cried all the way and kept mumbling, “I hope the baby’s all right. He’d better be all right.” He. As if we could be certain about that. I’d already got two brothers. Didn’t she like girls or something?

The doctor saw us straight away and I was allowed to go in with her. He made her lie down on the bed there and he examined her belly. She hadn’t got a bump yet really.

“No pains or contractions?”

She shook her head.

“No bleeding or cramps?”

She shook her head again.

“And when was the last time you had a period?”

“I’ve missed two. I would have another one in two weeks.”

He mumbled a little to himself. “Well,” he said at last, “this all looks very good.  No harm done. I’d just like to listen to the baby’s heartbeat.” He put his stethoscope to her belly and moved it around a little. Then he grinned.

“Would you like to hear?” he said to me. He put the ear pieces into my ears. It was amazing. I could hear this thump, thump thump. “That’s your little brother or sister. Babies’ hearts beat much faster than our own.”

He turned to Mutti. “Now then, Frau Schmidt. Everything is in good order. In just over six months you should give birth to fine new German citizen. I expect your husband will be pleased.”

Mutti blushed. “He’s not at home at the moment.”

The doctor frowned.  “Oh?”

“But I expect he’ll be pleased. It’s what we wanted.” She looked at me and shook her head very slightly. Why was she telling lies? I had to look away. 

“Good. Now, do come and see me once a month.”

I helped her off the bed and she grinned at me.

She wouldn’t stop talking on the way home. “Isn’t it great, Gisela? Another brother for you. Or a sister? Won’t Poldi be pleased? Oh aren’t we clever? Bringing another good German into the world? You will help around the house a bit more, won’t you. Gisela? When I get too big to move? And you will help after the baby’s born? You know a woman of my age having a baby? It’s so exciting, isn’t it?”

Even if I’d wanted to say something I wouldn’t have been able to. I wasn’t really sure that I was all that keen on having a baby brother or sister. Especially with Poldi Silber being the father. I’d been so used to being the baby in the family for so long. What about if Bear liked him or her better than he liked me? Or if Kurt was cruel to him or her?

It carried on when we got home.

“I think I need to rest a little. I’ll just put my feet up. Be a good girl and make me a cup of tea.”

So, that’s what I had to do. Thankfully she fell asleep. At least I got a bit of peace and quiet then.

She didn’t wake up until Herr Silber let himself in with his key. That irritated me as well. Why did he have his own key?

Mutti’s eyes grew round when she saw him and she blushed. “So Poldi, we went to the doctor’s and he’s confirmed everything. We certainly are going to be parents.” She looked at me. “And Gisela is going to become a fine big sister.” She shook her head at me and frowned. I guessed that meant I shouldn’t say anything about the fall and the visit to the doctor’s.

Herr Silber smiled though I noticed his eyes seemed cold. “Well, well. So you have your wish, Tilde.”

He moved over to Mutti and put his hand on her belly. “So, you are going to produce for me a fine Aryan German. You are so clever.”

He turned to me and smiled in the same cold way. “Gisela, your mother and I need to talk. Take yourself for a little walk.” He put his hand in his pocket and took out a few coins. “Here, buy yourself an ice cream or a glass of lemonade.”

What did he think? That I was a little kid or something? He looked at me in such a way, though, that I knew I had to go.   

I wasn’t sure how much time to leave them. I walked for a while and then I stopped at the pub and bought myself a glass of lemonade. I sat in the beer garden and drank it. Thomas was there with some of his friends. I don’t know whether he saw me or not. If he did, he pretended not to. He was such an idiot sometimes.

By the time I’d finished my drink it was getting dark. I guessed I could go back now. They’d had enough time to talk. Even so, I walked slowly and went the long way back.

Herr Silber was sitting alone in the kitchen when I got back. He had his coat on.

“Ah, there you are Gisela. I was beginning to worry.”

Idiot! He’d told me to get out of the way. “I thought you didn’t want me here.”

“Oh, Gisela, of course I want you. I just needed a quick private word with your mother. She’s gone to bed now. She needs all the rest she can get because of the baby.”

“Why have you got your coat on?”

“I’m not staying tonight. I want to leave your mother in peace.” He sighed. “I don’t want to hurt the baby and I’m afraid I cannot resist the charms of the beautiful Tilde.”

I almost felt like giggling at this point. Mutti, the beautiful Tilde. Well yes, she was always looking at herself in the mirror and fixing her hair or lipstick. But if she was having to fix it, it meant that it wasn’t right, surely.

Then, though, his eyes grew round, he licked his lips and stared at me. “Unless, of course, you…” Then he frowned. “No, no, of course not. You’re much too young.” He stood up. “Well, I must get going now.” He stood up, fastened the buttons on his coat. “Take good care of your mother.” Then he went.

 

When Mutti woke up the next day it was clear that she’d been crying. There was a big black bruise over her right eye and she couldn’t see properly. I worried about the baby. I asked if she had any pain or bleeding.

“No, no. I think he’s fine.” Then she started crying again. “He made me tell, him Gisela. About the fall,” she mumbled between sobs. “He said I was clumsy.”  

23 March 1933: a smart uniform, Girl in a Smart Uniform

 

So, for several months we had Herr Silber trying to persuade me to join the BDM and me saying I didn’t want to do it. He even invited the local group leader round to talk to me, like Mariana had suggested. I made sure I was out. In the end, though, it was the uniform that did it.    

Herr Silber was sitting in the living room when I came back from school one day. He and Mutti looked very pleased.

“You should see what Poldi’s bought for you. It’s upstairs on your bed.”

He was smirking. Well, he wasn’t going to buy me that easily. Whatever it was wouldn’t be good enough to make me like him.

“It’s no less than you deserve,” he said. “A good German girl like yourself. Go and try it on. If there’s anything wrong with any of it we can change it. ”

“Go and have a look. I’ll come up in a minute.” Mutti nodded.

I made my way slowly up to my room. Whatever it was I was determined not to like it.

I opened the door. There it was, spread out on the bed. A dark blue skirt, a startlingly white shirt and a little yellowy-brown flying jacket. On the floor beside the bed was a pair of smart black shoes and on the dressing table there were the black neckerchief and the little leather ring that would hold it in place. I remembered seeing the group in town that day. And other times I’d seen BDM girls around. Sometimes their mothers had made their skirts and they used thinner material or they hadn’t quite got the pattern right. But here was a BDM uniform exactly the way it was meant to be. I picked up the little flying jacket, held it in front of me and looked in the mirror. The cloth was really thick and luxurious. This would look good for months. It did look smart. I gasped.

“Well what do you think?” Mutti called up the stairs. “Poldi insisted on buying everything at top quality.”

“It’s all lovely.” It really was. I just wished it hadn’t been paid for with Herr Silber’s money. It would have been better if my brothers or my parents had bought it. 

“Put it on and then come downstairs so that he can see you.”

I trembled as I got changed. It was so exciting having such a smart uniform as this but I wasn’t looking forward to him staring at me.

The crisp white shirt felt smart and very grown up. The skirt fitted perfectly. Even the shoes were exactly right and they smelt of new leather. I pulled the little jacket on and then looked in the mirror again. I looked so much older. The skirt came half way down my calves. How elegant! I didn’t know how to do up the neckerchief, though. I fiddled with it for a few moments but couldn’t make it look right.

“Are you coming down yet?” Mutti called up the stairs.

“I can’t get this tie right.”

“Bring it down. We’ll help you.” 

Herr Silber beamed at me as I walked into the room. “What a smart young lady! Do you like my little gift?” His eyes were shining.

“Yes, thank you.” I felt my cheeks go red.

“Ah yes. The famous BDM tie. Come here. I’ll show you how to do it up neatly.” He gestured that I should go over to him. 

I walked as slowly as I dared towards him. I was afraid that he might touch me. Seconds later, of course, I was standing very near to him.

He took the tie off me and rolled it until it was just a thin band. Then he laid it round my neck under my collar. His face was horribly close to mine.  “Now give me the scarf ring.”

I handed him the little piece of leather.

“There. You just push both ends through, like this.” He pushed the tie through the ring. Now he was even closer to me. He smelt of soap. He put his hand on my cheek. “So very beautiful. Perhaps even more beautiful than her mother.” He pushed me away a little. He nodded. “Very smart. Very smart indeed. ”

Mutti was grinning. “You’ll be one of the most glamorous BDM girls ever.” 

I shivered.

 

A few days later I went to my first BDM meeting. I slowly opened the door of the Hitlerjugend meeting hall. I’d passed some of the boys on the way. They’d just been there to collect some equipment for an evening hike. Thomas had been amongst them and he’d wolf-whistled me.

“Do you know the tart?” one of his mates called. “Good breeding stock, I’d say.”

I’d felt my cheeks go red. Thomas defended me at least. Sort of. “She’s not a whore just because her mother is. Leave her alone. She’s okay.”

Then, I blushed even redder.

Now I’d got to face all these new people.

“Come on in,” a voice cried. “Don’t be shy.”

There was a group of six girls sitting in a circle with a pretty young woman talking to them. Four of the girls had nice full uniforms like my own. The other two were wearing knitted jackets and one of them was wearing white shoes that looked totally unsuitable for the sorts of things I’d heard that BDM girls did.

“My goodness, girls, look: that’s the way to do your tie up properly. Maybe before we go home tonight Gisela – it is Gisela isn’t it? – can show us all how it’s done.” She stood up and held her hand out to me.

I took the hand and shook it. This felt a little strange. I didn’t know whether I was going to like this. Is seemed so formal. “I’m Helma Bohm .” She smiled at me and I felt a little better. “I’ll be looking after this group for the time being. But it’s just you new girls this evening. So, welcome to your first At Home. Come and make yourself comfortable.” She pointed to the empty chair in the circle. She turned to the other girls. “So, let’s all introduce ourselves. I’m Helma and I’ve been a BDM girl for four years now and I’m also a member of Belief and Beauty, the group for grown up girls.”

The other girls looked as if they knew what they were doing. I hadn’t got a clue. Would I ever remember all of their names? Well, I’d really try to. Heidi had two older brothers as well. Brigitte had an older sister. Bertha’s father had also left the family home, just like Vati had. Angelika, who was the only one whose uniform was quite as neat as mine, had also been bought it by a rich friend of her mother’s. Liesel and Hannelore were twins and wore the hand-made skirts and Hannelore was the one with the white shoes. Tabitha I found very odd. She seemed to day dream a lot and sat all of the time with one leg tucked up under the other. She did talk a little though. Her father was a farmer and she enjoyed looking after the animals. In fact, she was very clear about that. “I really prefer spending my time with the animals,” she said. “They’re kinder than human beings.” She looked down at the floor. The rest of us looked at each other.

Perhaps they weren’t so different form me after all. Except maybe for Tabitha. 

“Well,” said Helma after no one had spoken for a few moments. “Do any of you have any questions?”

“What exactly is an ‘At Home’?” asked Hannelore.

I was glad she’d asked. I’d wondered that as well.

“It’s where we girls all meet together and have interesting chats. Sometimes we might read poems and learn songs. A lot of the time we’ll be learning how to be fine young German women. How to help at home. Cooking. Making things. Helping with the little ones.  Making our homes welcoming places for our fathers and brothers.”

I didn’t know whether I’d ever be a fine young woman, smart uniform or not.

“Do we get to go on hikes like the boys?”  Boys? Why were so many girls my age so interested in boys? I shuddered at the thought.

“Oh yes. And camps. If you’re interested in sports you can try out for some of the teams. There are competitions. Or you could join one of the gymnastics clubs. There’s so much to do. You’ll have a lovely time.”

There was a lot to do, I supposed. 

Helma gave us sheets of music for some of the songs we’d be learning. We practised a few. I was pleased that she didn’t notice my croaky voice and the fact that I couldn’t  hold a note. 

“Do carry on practising at home, girls.” She beamed at me. “One more thing before we go tonight; I’d like Gisela to show us exactly how to put that tie on so neatly.”

I couldn’t believe it. She wanted me to show the others how to do something I could do and they couldn’t.

I took off my neckerchief and opened it out. “You roll it up like this,” I said, doing exactly what Herr Silber had done the other day. “Then you put it round you neck, tucking it carefully under your collar.”

The other girls copied exactly what I’d done.

“And finally you slip it through the ring. Like this.”

“Fantastic,” said Helma. “Now you all look really smart. Well done, Gisela.”

This was all lovely. It was so nice to be praised for looking smart. Even if it was only because Herr Silber had shown me how to do it. The other girls did seem nice, really, even if Tabitha was a little strange. It all sounded quite enticing. I found myself looking forward to meeting the rest of the group. Reluctantly I had to admit I must thank Herr Silber for that. 

“Well, that will probably do for this evening. I’ll see you all again on Thursday. Have a safe journey home.”

A shame it was over already. This really suddenly all felt so right.  

 

“What was it like?” asked Mutti when I got home.

“Good.”

“Well, go and get out of your nice uniform and into your night things. Then come back down. I want to talk to you about something.”   

“Is Herr Silber here?”

“No. He’s gone home. He wanted to give me the chance to be alone with you. It’s about him actually.”

It was a relief. I didn’t want him gawping at me in my dressing-gown. But what did Mutti want? It sounded serious.

A few moments later when I came downstairs she’d  put a large mug of hot chocolate on the table and a plate of biscuits. She was holding a glass of red wine. She nodded towards one of the chairs and sat down herself. She pointed at the mug of chocolate. “A treat to celebrate your first BDM meeting. Enjoy.”

There was an uncomfortable silence. Then Mutti rubbed my arm. “You do realise, don’t you, that Vati is probably never going to come back. He might even be…”

What was she saying? Had Vati died? How? Why? I suddenly felt sick.

“Listen. I don’t know what’s happened to him. But he shouldn’t have left us like that.”

So he might still be alive?

“The thing is, Herr Silber wants to move in.” 

My ears started ringing and I could feel my heart thumping in my chest. It would be horrible having him there all the time. What if I bumped into him on the way to the bathroom? Both of us in our dressing gowns? Horrible! And him and Mutti, sharing a bedroom.

“We want to live as a normal family. He wants to be a proper Vati to you. He’d like you to call him Vati.”

I looked away from her. Please let this just be a bad dream.

“Well, what do you say? He’s been kind to you, hasn’t he?”

“Do Bear and Kurt know?”

“Yes. They’ve known for a while.”

“What do they think?”

“That it’s a good idea.”

Well, it was all right for them. They didn’t really live here anymore. Not very much anyway.

“There’s something else.” Mutti cleared her throat. “We, er, we want to have a baby together. A proper Aryan baby. If we do, you’ll help look after him or her, won’t you? ”

I shrugged. “I suppose so. I’m going to bed now though.” I hadn’t touched the chocolate or the biscuits. I couldn’t face them. The thought of Mutti and Herr Silber creating a baby. The whole idea made me feel sick. If Mutti thought this was the right thing to do – if any of them did – they were wrong. Very wrong. It was all horrible. 

I decided I was going to join in with as many of the BDM activities as I could. That way I wouldn’t have to be in the house very much at all. I wouldn’t have to listen to all the talk about the baby and I wouldn’t have to watch Mutti and Herr Silber being all over each other.  

Girl in a Smart Uniform, 7 September 1932: girls in smart uniforms

 

I’d really liked school up until then. I liked learning new things and I’d even liked everything Herr Lindemann had told us about how Germany would be glorious again one day. School had been so cosy and nice before. I’d always done well in class.

“You’re a fine young school girl,” Herr Lindemann used to say. “You should really be at the Gymnasium. You can take your Abitur then and go to university.”

I would have liked to have gone there. I know I would have been able to learn a lot,  but Mutti wouldn’t hear of it.

“No,” she’d said. “We can’t expect Herr Silber to pay for all of those books and all of that travelling. What’s the point of education for a girl anyway? You need to learn housework and to look beautiful. You need to learn to become a good wife for a fine German man.”

Well, I suppose she was beautiful enough though I’m not so sure she was so competent at looking after the house. Only when it suited her, actually. And I didn’t want to think about being a wife yet.

So, I was stuck with the village school and had to be one of the responsible ones. The work was getting boring because it was all too easy now. The new girls arrived and with them some exciting possibilities.  

They came to us from one of the other local schools that had shut down.

I tried to be friendly.

“So what was your old school like?” I asked.

“Much better than this,” said a girl with pale blue eyes and soft yellow curls. She rubbed her finger along the windowsill and blew the dust from it. She frowned. “And certainly much cleaner.”

“It’s disgusting here,” said one of the others.

“I can’t understand why our school had to close and they’ve left this one open,” said a third.

“Well you know why. Airy fairy ideas, my Vati says. Not enough proper education. You know what they told us at our BDM meeting,” another one chipped in. 

They then turned away from me and started talking amongst themselves.

“At least that was good,” I heard one of them say. “I’m so glad we can still get over there after school.”   

They started coming to school in their uniforms.

“My, you do look like smart BDM girls,” said Herr Lindemann the first time they did that. “But aren’t you afraid you’ll wear your uniforms out?”

“Not at all,” said the pretty one with the blond curls. I later learnt that her name was Adelinde.  She liked to be called Linde for short. It took me quite a long time to learn their names because they basically ignored me. “We know how to be careful.” She screwed her nose up and looked at me. “It’s our duty to look smart.”

I loved their uniforms. Those dark blue skirts that came half way down their legs and the little jackets made them seem so sophisticated. I wondered whether I could ever look that good.

“Don’t you want to join?” Linde asked me one break time. “Can’t you see you’re missing out on a lot of fun?” 

“They’re going to make it compulsory soon,” her friend Erika added. “You’ll have to join then. We can ask if you can come to our group, if you like.”

Mutti didn’t seem too keen. “Expense again,” she’d said when I asked her about it once. “And I can teach you all of that at home.” 

I seriously doubted that she could actually, and even if she could, I didn’t think she would be bothered.

I had some doubts myself though as well. I also had the feeling that Bear thought it wasn’t quite right. He usually knew best. He hadn’t really said a lot but he always frowned when he saw any of them out and about. He didn’t like the boys of the Hitlerjugend much either though I think that might have been something to do with Thomas. He couldn’t seem to stand him.

“Oh leave her,” said Linde. “Look, she hasn’t even got the manners to answer.”

“You really should think about joining,” said Erika.

Later that day Mutti sent me into town to fetch Herr Silber’s new shoes. He’d had them made to measure. Typical Silber!

I bumped into them then. They were there with the rest of their group. It was really impressive seeing them all in their uniforms. One or two of them looked a little less smart, though. Their shoes didn’t go or something. Some of them hadn’t got the nippy little  jacket. A few of them were wearing hand-knitted cardigans. They didn’t look smart at all. That didn’t stop them enjoying themselves, though. They were all laughing and joking as they walked in a long crocodile along the street. 

Linde spotted me. “Hey, Gisela,” she shouted.

The girls from my class turned to look. They stared at me. I was sure they couldn’t work out why I wasn’t a member.   

Linde had stopped walking and all the others behind stopped as well.

“So what are you up to?” she asked. “I bet it can’t be as interesting as what we’re going to do.”

“I’m getting Herr Silber’s shoes for him,” I said. 

“Who’s Herr Silber?”

How was I going to explain that one? Fortunately I didn’t have to. Their group leader came over to see what had caused the hold up. The girls in front had stopped now as well.                    

“What’s going on ladies?” she asked. “We need to get on or we’ll be late for the parade.”

“The Hitlerjugend are going to be there as well,” said Linde. “We’re practising marching with them. It’s going to be great. She should join, shouldn’t she, Mariana?”

Mariana smiled at me. “You really should. If you like I can come and talk to your parents.”

“She lives in Sillenbuch though.”

“There’s a group there as well.” She took a notebook and pencil out of her bag. “Write your name and address down there. I know the girl who leads the Sillenbuch group. I’ll get her to call on you soon.”

“I bet Sillenbuch’s not as good as our group,” I heard Erika whisper as I wrote my name in Mariana’s book.  

She took the book from me and put it back in her handbag. She smiled again then looked over to the rest of them.

“Come on then, now girls,” she said. “Best foot forward. Or we’ll be late.”

I watched them go towards the square. I would like to join, I thought. It did look like fun. I loved the uniform. Seeing them altogether like that, even the ones that didn’t quite match, well it was very impressive. I loved the way as well that they were on first name terms with their group leader. It made them seem so grown up. 

I’d probably have to join the Sillenbuch group. If I did, the Sillenbuch group would be great. I’d make sure of that.

I couldn’t stop and daydream too long, though. I had to go and get those dratted shoes or there’d be no chance that Herr Silber would fork out for uniform for me. 

 

Later that day, after supper, when I was helping Mutti with the washing–up, I found the courage to ask.

“Mutti, can I join the BDM? “

“What do you want to do that for?”

“Well, they do some useful things. And they seem to have a lot of fun.”

“I expect they do. But I also expect it costs a lot of money. And I can’t ask Poldi to help with that.”

I hated it when she called him Poldi. It was such a silly name. It sounded so affectionate for such a serious cold-hearted man.

“What can’t you ask Poldi to do?”

I shuddered. Herr Silber was standing in the doorway. He raised his eyebrows at me. “Well, what can I do for you?”

I felt my cheeks burning. “I was wondering about joining the BDM,” I just about managed to say.

“I’ve told it her it would be a waste of money,” Mutti said.

“Oh, I don’t know,” said Herr Silber. “It is a fine organisation. Really prepares our young ladies for marriage and motherhood. And they all look so lovely in those very smart uniforms.” He licked his lips and his eyes grew round.

I immediately went off the idea.

“It doesn’t matter, really,” I said. “I’ve got a lot to do at school.” That wasn’t true but now I couldn’t stand the thought of him gawping at me in my uniform.

“Yes you have.” Mutti pursed her lips and glowered at Herr Silber.

I finished the drying, hung the tea-towel on the hook and made my way up to my room. It seemed, then, that life was going to carry on being boring.