It really made me squirm sometimes. In the early days when Herr Silber used to stay over I didn’t understand what was happening. Strange noises would come from Mutti’s room. Groans and screams and the bed sounded as if someone was using it as a trampoline. It used to scare me and I thought he was murdering Mutti. I used to hold my breath and hope it would end soon. I sometimes wondered whether I should go in there and try and stop them but I was worried that Herr Silber might try and hurt me as well. Besides I didn’t like the way he looked at me sometimes or the way he touched me.
I asked Bear about it one day. He laughed. “You don’t need to worry,” he said. “You’ll understand one day. Honest, you will. They’re not hurting each other.”
Of course I did understand eventually but I still didn’t like it. It seemed so repulsive to me. A man sticking his –well, you know what – into a woman’s private parts. What on earth had that got to do with romantic love?
Kissing was all right, I supposed. I’d never tried it. I’d never met a boy I’d want to kiss, in fact. I couldn’t understand some of the girls at school who go on about this boy or that one. They all seem a bit idiotic to me.
Anyway, there hadn’t been so much of that type of activity going on recently though Herr Silber had been making quite a fuss of Mutti. And we all knew why. It happened again that morning.
Yes, she was being sick in the bathroom. I’d heard her every day that week. It always seemed to happen between six o’clock and eight o’clock in the morning. Then she wouldn’t eat any breakfast.
“You must eat, Tilde,” said Herr Silber. She just shook her head and said “I just can’t Poldi.” That stupid name again.
I’d noticed as well that she seemed to have gone off coffee. And that her dresses and blouses were bursting open at the front. I bumped into her one day and brushed against her chest. “Be careful,” she said. “I’m a bit tender there.”
Then in the afternoons she got her appetite – and often for the most peculiar things. She would eat pickled herring and chocolate.
I know what that means now. I didn’t back then. The BDM girls told me when I said I thought she must be very ill.
“Don’t be daft, Gisela. She’s going to have a baby. Funny things like that happen to a woman when she’s expecting a baby.”
Of course, they all worked out easily enough that it was Herr Silber’s baby. They weren’t unkind. In fact, one or two of them were quite flattering about it.
“With a father like that it’s going to be a really beautiful child,” said one.
“You Mutti’s really doing her bit, isn’t she? Good for her!” said another.
Herr Silber kept looking at her meaningfully and saying “Isn’t it about time you went to the doctor’s, Tilde, and got it confirmed?”
She just laughed and said “There’s nothing wrong with me. We can wait a while.” It seemed to me almost as if she didn’t want this baby after all. She should have gone to the doctor’s though. It wasn't as if Herr Silber couldn’t afford it. I guess it just might have been because she knew having a baby would spoil her looks.
Then that morning she fell over. It was silly really. She’d been cleaning the kitchen floor. She walked across it in her stockinged feet. That was asking for trouble. She slipped and landed awkwardly. It really frightened me and she started crying.
“Oh no, the baby. I daren’t lose the baby. He’ll kill me. It’s taken so long for this to happen.”
“Well we’d better go to the doctor’s then. Can you walk?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so!”
“Shall I get an ambulance, then?”
She shook her head. “Poldi’ll go mad. The expense.”
“But you’ve got to be looked at.”
She somehow managed to stagger to her feet. I helped her on with her hat and coat and we hobbled to the doctor’s. Fortunately his surgery was just in the next street.
She cried all the way and kept mumbling, “I hope the baby’s all right. He’d better be all right.” He. As if we could be certain about that. I’d already got two brothers. Didn’t she like girls or something?
The doctor saw us straight away and I was allowed to go in with her. He made her lie down on the bed there and he examined her belly. She hadn’t got a bump yet really.
“No pains or contractions?”
She shook her head.
“No bleeding or cramps?”
She shook her head again.
“And when was the last time you had a period?”
“I’ve missed two. I would have another one in two weeks.”
He mumbled a little to himself. “Well,” he said at last, “this all looks very good. No harm done. I’d just like to listen to the baby’s heartbeat.” He put his stethoscope to her belly and moved it around a little. Then he grinned.
“Would you like to hear?” he said to me. He put the ear pieces into my ears. It was amazing. I could hear this thump, thump thump. “That’s your little brother or sister. Babies’ hearts beat much faster than our own.”
He turned to Mutti. “Now then, Frau Schmidt. Everything is in good order. In just over six months you should give birth to fine new German citizen. I expect your husband will be pleased.”
Mutti blushed. “He’s not at home at the moment.”
The doctor frowned. “Oh?”
“But I expect he’ll be pleased. It’s what we wanted.” She looked at me and shook her head very slightly. Why was she telling lies? I had to look away.
“Good. Now, do come and see me once a month.”
I helped her off the bed and she grinned at me.
She wouldn’t stop talking on the way home. “Isn’t it great, Gisela? Another brother for you. Or a sister? Won’t Poldi be pleased? Oh aren’t we clever? Bringing another good German into the world? You will help around the house a bit more, won’t you. Gisela? When I get too big to move? And you will help after the baby’s born? You know a woman of my age having a baby? It’s so exciting, isn’t it?”
Even if I’d wanted to say something I wouldn’t have been able to. I wasn’t really sure that I was all that keen on having a baby brother or sister. Especially with Poldi Silber being the father. I’d been so used to being the baby in the family for so long. What about if Bear liked him or her better than he liked me? Or if Kurt was cruel to him or her?
It carried on when we got home.
“I think I need to rest a little. I’ll just put my feet up. Be a good girl and make me a cup of tea.”
So, that’s what I had to do. Thankfully she fell asleep. At least I got a bit of peace and quiet then.
She didn’t wake up until Herr Silber let himself in with his key. That irritated me as well. Why did he have his own key?
Mutti’s eyes grew round when she saw him and she blushed. “So Poldi, we went to the doctor’s and he’s confirmed everything. We certainly are going to be parents.” She looked at me. “And Gisela is going to become a fine big sister.” She shook her head at me and frowned. I guessed that meant I shouldn’t say anything about the fall and the visit to the doctor’s.
Herr Silber smiled though I noticed his eyes seemed cold. “Well, well. So you have your wish, Tilde.”
He moved over to Mutti and put his hand on her belly. “So, you are going to produce for me a fine Aryan German. You are so clever.”
He turned to me and smiled in the same cold way. “Gisela, your mother and I need to talk. Take yourself for a little walk.” He put his hand in his pocket and took out a few coins. “Here, buy yourself an ice cream or a glass of lemonade.”
What did he think? That I was a little kid or something? He looked at me in such a way, though, that I knew I had to go.
I wasn’t sure how much time to leave them. I walked for a while and then I stopped at the pub and bought myself a glass of lemonade. I sat in the beer garden and drank it. Thomas was there with some of his friends. I don’t know whether he saw me or not. If he did, he pretended not to. He was such an idiot sometimes.
By the time I’d finished my drink it was getting dark. I guessed I could go back now. They’d had enough time to talk. Even so, I walked slowly and went the long way back.
Herr Silber was sitting alone in the kitchen when I got back. He had his coat on.
“Ah, there you are Gisela. I was beginning to worry.”
Idiot! He’d told me to get out of the way. “I thought you didn’t want me here.”
“Oh, Gisela, of course I want you. I just needed a quick private word with your mother. She’s gone to bed now. She needs all the rest she can get because of the baby.”
“Why have you got your coat on?”
“I’m not staying tonight. I want to leave your mother in peace.” He sighed. “I don’t want to hurt the baby and I’m afraid I cannot resist the charms of the beautiful Tilde.”
I almost felt like giggling at this point. Mutti, the beautiful Tilde. Well yes, she was always looking at herself in the mirror and fixing her hair or lipstick. But if she was having to fix it, it meant that it wasn’t right, surely.
Then, though, his eyes grew round, he licked his lips and stared at me. “Unless, of course, you…” Then he frowned. “No, no, of course not. You’re much too young.” He stood up. “Well, I must get going now.” He stood up, fastened the buttons on his coat. “Take good care of your mother.” Then he went.
When Mutti woke up the next day it was clear that she’d been crying. There was a big black bruise over her right eye and she couldn’t see properly. I worried about the baby. I asked if she had any pain or bleeding.
“No, no. I think he’s fine.” Then she started crying again. “He made me tell, him Gisela. About the fall,” she mumbled between sobs. “He said I was clumsy.”
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