20 April 1933: great expectations, Girl in a Smart Uniform

 

It really made me squirm sometimes. In the early days when Herr Silber used to stay over I didn’t understand what was happening. Strange noises would come from Mutti’s room. Groans and screams and the bed sounded as if someone was using it as a trampoline. It used to scare me and I thought he was murdering Mutti. I used to hold my breath and hope it would end soon. I sometimes wondered whether I should go in there and try and stop them but I was worried that Herr Silber might try and hurt me as well. Besides I didn’t like the way he looked at me sometimes or the way he touched me.

I asked Bear about it one day. He laughed. “You don’t need to worry,” he said. “You’ll understand one day. Honest, you will. They’re not hurting each other.”

Of course I did understand eventually but I still didn’t like it. It seemed so repulsive to me. A man sticking his –well, you know what – into a woman’s private parts. What on earth had that got to do with romantic love?

Kissing was all right, I supposed. I’d never tried it. I’d never met a boy I’d want to kiss, in fact. I couldn’t understand some of the girls at school who go on about this boy or that one. They all seem a bit idiotic to me. 

Anyway, there hadn’t been so much of that type of activity going on recently though Herr Silber had been making quite a fuss of Mutti. And we all knew why. It happened again that morning.  

Yes, she was being sick in the bathroom. I’d heard her every day that week. It always seemed to happen between six o’clock and eight o’clock in the morning. Then she wouldn’t eat any breakfast.

“You must eat, Tilde,” said Herr Silber. She just shook her head and said “I just can’t Poldi.” That stupid name again.

I’d noticed as well that she seemed to have gone off coffee. And that her dresses and blouses were bursting open at the front. I bumped into her one day and brushed against her chest. “Be careful,” she said. “I’m a bit tender there.”

Then in the afternoons she got her appetite – and often for the most peculiar things. She would eat pickled herring and chocolate.

I know what that means now. I didn’t back then. The BDM girls told me when I said I thought she must be very ill.

“Don’t be daft, Gisela. She’s going to have a baby. Funny things like that happen to a woman when she’s expecting a baby.”

Of course, they all worked out easily enough that it was Herr Silber’s baby. They weren’t unkind. In fact, one or two of them were quite flattering about it.

“With a father like that it’s going to be a really beautiful child,” said one.

“You Mutti’s really doing her bit, isn’t she? Good for her!” said another.         

Herr Silber kept looking at her meaningfully and saying “Isn’t it about time you went to the doctor’s, Tilde, and got it confirmed?”

She just laughed and said “There’s nothing wrong with me. We can wait a while.” It seemed to me almost as if she didn’t want this baby after all. She should have gone to the doctor’s though. It wasn't as if Herr Silber couldn’t afford it. I guess it just might have been because she knew having a baby would spoil her looks.

Then that morning she fell over. It was silly really. She’d been cleaning the kitchen floor. She walked across it in her stockinged feet. That was asking for trouble. She slipped and landed awkwardly. It really frightened me and she started crying.

“Oh no, the baby. I daren’t lose the baby. He’ll kill me. It’s taken so long for this to happen.”

“Well we’d better go to the doctor’s then. Can you walk?” 

“I don’t know. I don’t think so!”

“Shall I get an ambulance, then?”

She shook her head. “Poldi’ll go mad. The expense.” 

“But you’ve got to be looked at.”

She somehow managed to stagger to her feet. I helped her on with her hat and coat and we hobbled to the doctor’s. Fortunately his surgery was just in the next street.

She cried all the way and kept mumbling, “I hope the baby’s all right. He’d better be all right.” He. As if we could be certain about that. I’d already got two brothers. Didn’t she like girls or something?

The doctor saw us straight away and I was allowed to go in with her. He made her lie down on the bed there and he examined her belly. She hadn’t got a bump yet really.

“No pains or contractions?”

She shook her head.

“No bleeding or cramps?”

She shook her head again.

“And when was the last time you had a period?”

“I’ve missed two. I would have another one in two weeks.”

He mumbled a little to himself. “Well,” he said at last, “this all looks very good.  No harm done. I’d just like to listen to the baby’s heartbeat.” He put his stethoscope to her belly and moved it around a little. Then he grinned.

“Would you like to hear?” he said to me. He put the ear pieces into my ears. It was amazing. I could hear this thump, thump thump. “That’s your little brother or sister. Babies’ hearts beat much faster than our own.”

He turned to Mutti. “Now then, Frau Schmidt. Everything is in good order. In just over six months you should give birth to fine new German citizen. I expect your husband will be pleased.”

Mutti blushed. “He’s not at home at the moment.”

The doctor frowned.  “Oh?”

“But I expect he’ll be pleased. It’s what we wanted.” She looked at me and shook her head very slightly. Why was she telling lies? I had to look away. 

“Good. Now, do come and see me once a month.”

I helped her off the bed and she grinned at me.

She wouldn’t stop talking on the way home. “Isn’t it great, Gisela? Another brother for you. Or a sister? Won’t Poldi be pleased? Oh aren’t we clever? Bringing another good German into the world? You will help around the house a bit more, won’t you. Gisela? When I get too big to move? And you will help after the baby’s born? You know a woman of my age having a baby? It’s so exciting, isn’t it?”

Even if I’d wanted to say something I wouldn’t have been able to. I wasn’t really sure that I was all that keen on having a baby brother or sister. Especially with Poldi Silber being the father. I’d been so used to being the baby in the family for so long. What about if Bear liked him or her better than he liked me? Or if Kurt was cruel to him or her?

It carried on when we got home.

“I think I need to rest a little. I’ll just put my feet up. Be a good girl and make me a cup of tea.”

So, that’s what I had to do. Thankfully she fell asleep. At least I got a bit of peace and quiet then.

She didn’t wake up until Herr Silber let himself in with his key. That irritated me as well. Why did he have his own key?

Mutti’s eyes grew round when she saw him and she blushed. “So Poldi, we went to the doctor’s and he’s confirmed everything. We certainly are going to be parents.” She looked at me. “And Gisela is going to become a fine big sister.” She shook her head at me and frowned. I guessed that meant I shouldn’t say anything about the fall and the visit to the doctor’s.

Herr Silber smiled though I noticed his eyes seemed cold. “Well, well. So you have your wish, Tilde.”

He moved over to Mutti and put his hand on her belly. “So, you are going to produce for me a fine Aryan German. You are so clever.”

He turned to me and smiled in the same cold way. “Gisela, your mother and I need to talk. Take yourself for a little walk.” He put his hand in his pocket and took out a few coins. “Here, buy yourself an ice cream or a glass of lemonade.”

What did he think? That I was a little kid or something? He looked at me in such a way, though, that I knew I had to go.   

I wasn’t sure how much time to leave them. I walked for a while and then I stopped at the pub and bought myself a glass of lemonade. I sat in the beer garden and drank it. Thomas was there with some of his friends. I don’t know whether he saw me or not. If he did, he pretended not to. He was such an idiot sometimes.

By the time I’d finished my drink it was getting dark. I guessed I could go back now. They’d had enough time to talk. Even so, I walked slowly and went the long way back.

Herr Silber was sitting alone in the kitchen when I got back. He had his coat on.

“Ah, there you are Gisela. I was beginning to worry.”

Idiot! He’d told me to get out of the way. “I thought you didn’t want me here.”

“Oh, Gisela, of course I want you. I just needed a quick private word with your mother. She’s gone to bed now. She needs all the rest she can get because of the baby.”

“Why have you got your coat on?”

“I’m not staying tonight. I want to leave your mother in peace.” He sighed. “I don’t want to hurt the baby and I’m afraid I cannot resist the charms of the beautiful Tilde.”

I almost felt like giggling at this point. Mutti, the beautiful Tilde. Well yes, she was always looking at herself in the mirror and fixing her hair or lipstick. But if she was having to fix it, it meant that it wasn’t right, surely.

Then, though, his eyes grew round, he licked his lips and stared at me. “Unless, of course, you…” Then he frowned. “No, no, of course not. You’re much too young.” He stood up. “Well, I must get going now.” He stood up, fastened the buttons on his coat. “Take good care of your mother.” Then he went.

 

When Mutti woke up the next day it was clear that she’d been crying. There was a big black bruise over her right eye and she couldn’t see properly. I worried about the baby. I asked if she had any pain or bleeding.

“No, no. I think he’s fine.” Then she started crying again. “He made me tell, him Gisela. About the fall,” she mumbled between sobs. “He said I was clumsy.”  

23 March 1933: a smart uniform, Girl in a Smart Uniform

 

So, for several months we had Herr Silber trying to persuade me to join the BDM and me saying I didn’t want to do it. He even invited the local group leader round to talk to me, like Mariana had suggested. I made sure I was out. In the end, though, it was the uniform that did it.    

Herr Silber was sitting in the living room when I came back from school one day. He and Mutti looked very pleased.

“You should see what Poldi’s bought for you. It’s upstairs on your bed.”

He was smirking. Well, he wasn’t going to buy me that easily. Whatever it was wouldn’t be good enough to make me like him.

“It’s no less than you deserve,” he said. “A good German girl like yourself. Go and try it on. If there’s anything wrong with any of it we can change it. ”

“Go and have a look. I’ll come up in a minute.” Mutti nodded.

I made my way slowly up to my room. Whatever it was I was determined not to like it.

I opened the door. There it was, spread out on the bed. A dark blue skirt, a startlingly white shirt and a little yellowy-brown flying jacket. On the floor beside the bed was a pair of smart black shoes and on the dressing table there were the black neckerchief and the little leather ring that would hold it in place. I remembered seeing the group in town that day. And other times I’d seen BDM girls around. Sometimes their mothers had made their skirts and they used thinner material or they hadn’t quite got the pattern right. But here was a BDM uniform exactly the way it was meant to be. I picked up the little flying jacket, held it in front of me and looked in the mirror. The cloth was really thick and luxurious. This would look good for months. It did look smart. I gasped.

“Well what do you think?” Mutti called up the stairs. “Poldi insisted on buying everything at top quality.”

“It’s all lovely.” It really was. I just wished it hadn’t been paid for with Herr Silber’s money. It would have been better if my brothers or my parents had bought it. 

“Put it on and then come downstairs so that he can see you.”

I trembled as I got changed. It was so exciting having such a smart uniform as this but I wasn’t looking forward to him staring at me.

The crisp white shirt felt smart and very grown up. The skirt fitted perfectly. Even the shoes were exactly right and they smelt of new leather. I pulled the little jacket on and then looked in the mirror again. I looked so much older. The skirt came half way down my calves. How elegant! I didn’t know how to do up the neckerchief, though. I fiddled with it for a few moments but couldn’t make it look right.

“Are you coming down yet?” Mutti called up the stairs.

“I can’t get this tie right.”

“Bring it down. We’ll help you.” 

Herr Silber beamed at me as I walked into the room. “What a smart young lady! Do you like my little gift?” His eyes were shining.

“Yes, thank you.” I felt my cheeks go red.

“Ah yes. The famous BDM tie. Come here. I’ll show you how to do it up neatly.” He gestured that I should go over to him. 

I walked as slowly as I dared towards him. I was afraid that he might touch me. Seconds later, of course, I was standing very near to him.

He took the tie off me and rolled it until it was just a thin band. Then he laid it round my neck under my collar. His face was horribly close to mine.  “Now give me the scarf ring.”

I handed him the little piece of leather.

“There. You just push both ends through, like this.” He pushed the tie through the ring. Now he was even closer to me. He smelt of soap. He put his hand on my cheek. “So very beautiful. Perhaps even more beautiful than her mother.” He pushed me away a little. He nodded. “Very smart. Very smart indeed. ”

Mutti was grinning. “You’ll be one of the most glamorous BDM girls ever.” 

I shivered.

 

A few days later I went to my first BDM meeting. I slowly opened the door of the Hitlerjugend meeting hall. I’d passed some of the boys on the way. They’d just been there to collect some equipment for an evening hike. Thomas had been amongst them and he’d wolf-whistled me.

“Do you know the tart?” one of his mates called. “Good breeding stock, I’d say.”

I’d felt my cheeks go red. Thomas defended me at least. Sort of. “She’s not a whore just because her mother is. Leave her alone. She’s okay.”

Then, I blushed even redder.

Now I’d got to face all these new people.

“Come on in,” a voice cried. “Don’t be shy.”

There was a group of six girls sitting in a circle with a pretty young woman talking to them. Four of the girls had nice full uniforms like my own. The other two were wearing knitted jackets and one of them was wearing white shoes that looked totally unsuitable for the sorts of things I’d heard that BDM girls did.

“My goodness, girls, look: that’s the way to do your tie up properly. Maybe before we go home tonight Gisela – it is Gisela isn’t it? – can show us all how it’s done.” She stood up and held her hand out to me.

I took the hand and shook it. This felt a little strange. I didn’t know whether I was going to like this. Is seemed so formal. “I’m Helma Bohm .” She smiled at me and I felt a little better. “I’ll be looking after this group for the time being. But it’s just you new girls this evening. So, welcome to your first At Home. Come and make yourself comfortable.” She pointed to the empty chair in the circle. She turned to the other girls. “So, let’s all introduce ourselves. I’m Helma and I’ve been a BDM girl for four years now and I’m also a member of Belief and Beauty, the group for grown up girls.”

The other girls looked as if they knew what they were doing. I hadn’t got a clue. Would I ever remember all of their names? Well, I’d really try to. Heidi had two older brothers as well. Brigitte had an older sister. Bertha’s father had also left the family home, just like Vati had. Angelika, who was the only one whose uniform was quite as neat as mine, had also been bought it by a rich friend of her mother’s. Liesel and Hannelore were twins and wore the hand-made skirts and Hannelore was the one with the white shoes. Tabitha I found very odd. She seemed to day dream a lot and sat all of the time with one leg tucked up under the other. She did talk a little though. Her father was a farmer and she enjoyed looking after the animals. In fact, she was very clear about that. “I really prefer spending my time with the animals,” she said. “They’re kinder than human beings.” She looked down at the floor. The rest of us looked at each other.

Perhaps they weren’t so different form me after all. Except maybe for Tabitha. 

“Well,” said Helma after no one had spoken for a few moments. “Do any of you have any questions?”

“What exactly is an ‘At Home’?” asked Hannelore.

I was glad she’d asked. I’d wondered that as well.

“It’s where we girls all meet together and have interesting chats. Sometimes we might read poems and learn songs. A lot of the time we’ll be learning how to be fine young German women. How to help at home. Cooking. Making things. Helping with the little ones.  Making our homes welcoming places for our fathers and brothers.”

I didn’t know whether I’d ever be a fine young woman, smart uniform or not.

“Do we get to go on hikes like the boys?”  Boys? Why were so many girls my age so interested in boys? I shuddered at the thought.

“Oh yes. And camps. If you’re interested in sports you can try out for some of the teams. There are competitions. Or you could join one of the gymnastics clubs. There’s so much to do. You’ll have a lovely time.”

There was a lot to do, I supposed. 

Helma gave us sheets of music for some of the songs we’d be learning. We practised a few. I was pleased that she didn’t notice my croaky voice and the fact that I couldn’t  hold a note. 

“Do carry on practising at home, girls.” She beamed at me. “One more thing before we go tonight; I’d like Gisela to show us exactly how to put that tie on so neatly.”

I couldn’t believe it. She wanted me to show the others how to do something I could do and they couldn’t.

I took off my neckerchief and opened it out. “You roll it up like this,” I said, doing exactly what Herr Silber had done the other day. “Then you put it round you neck, tucking it carefully under your collar.”

The other girls copied exactly what I’d done.

“And finally you slip it through the ring. Like this.”

“Fantastic,” said Helma. “Now you all look really smart. Well done, Gisela.”

This was all lovely. It was so nice to be praised for looking smart. Even if it was only because Herr Silber had shown me how to do it. The other girls did seem nice, really, even if Tabitha was a little strange. It all sounded quite enticing. I found myself looking forward to meeting the rest of the group. Reluctantly I had to admit I must thank Herr Silber for that. 

“Well, that will probably do for this evening. I’ll see you all again on Thursday. Have a safe journey home.”

A shame it was over already. This really suddenly all felt so right.  

 

“What was it like?” asked Mutti when I got home.

“Good.”

“Well, go and get out of your nice uniform and into your night things. Then come back down. I want to talk to you about something.”   

“Is Herr Silber here?”

“No. He’s gone home. He wanted to give me the chance to be alone with you. It’s about him actually.”

It was a relief. I didn’t want him gawping at me in my dressing-gown. But what did Mutti want? It sounded serious.

A few moments later when I came downstairs she’d  put a large mug of hot chocolate on the table and a plate of biscuits. She was holding a glass of red wine. She nodded towards one of the chairs and sat down herself. She pointed at the mug of chocolate. “A treat to celebrate your first BDM meeting. Enjoy.”

There was an uncomfortable silence. Then Mutti rubbed my arm. “You do realise, don’t you, that Vati is probably never going to come back. He might even be…”

What was she saying? Had Vati died? How? Why? I suddenly felt sick.

“Listen. I don’t know what’s happened to him. But he shouldn’t have left us like that.”

So he might still be alive?

“The thing is, Herr Silber wants to move in.” 

My ears started ringing and I could feel my heart thumping in my chest. It would be horrible having him there all the time. What if I bumped into him on the way to the bathroom? Both of us in our dressing gowns? Horrible! And him and Mutti, sharing a bedroom.

“We want to live as a normal family. He wants to be a proper Vati to you. He’d like you to call him Vati.”

I looked away from her. Please let this just be a bad dream.

“Well, what do you say? He’s been kind to you, hasn’t he?”

“Do Bear and Kurt know?”

“Yes. They’ve known for a while.”

“What do they think?”

“That it’s a good idea.”

Well, it was all right for them. They didn’t really live here anymore. Not very much anyway.

“There’s something else.” Mutti cleared her throat. “We, er, we want to have a baby together. A proper Aryan baby. If we do, you’ll help look after him or her, won’t you? ”

I shrugged. “I suppose so. I’m going to bed now though.” I hadn’t touched the chocolate or the biscuits. I couldn’t face them. The thought of Mutti and Herr Silber creating a baby. The whole idea made me feel sick. If Mutti thought this was the right thing to do – if any of them did – they were wrong. Very wrong. It was all horrible. 

I decided I was going to join in with as many of the BDM activities as I could. That way I wouldn’t have to be in the house very much at all. I wouldn’t have to listen to all the talk about the baby and I wouldn’t have to watch Mutti and Herr Silber being all over each other.