Fibbin' Archie 2584

“I’ve never seen a young woman so upset. So we went and had a cup of tea. She said you’d not wanted to see her tonight because I was ill. I said perhaps she’d misunderstood what you’d meant. But she shook her head. Trying not to cry, she was. Poor girl. What do you think you’re doing, Archie?”

“What did you want to go and tell her your grandma was ill for? That’s not a nice thing to say.”  

“I had to think of summat,” mumbled Archie.

“Why didn’t you tell her the truth?” said Mum.

“Because it would have upset her. Anyhow, I did want to see her but I couldn’t.”

“Couldn’t?” said Mum.

“Homework and stuff.”

“No, Archie, you’re lying again. You ain’t been doing your homework.” Mum looked at Grandma and Grandma nodded.

“Well, stuff, then.”

“And you couldn’t tell her about the “stuff”? What “stuff”, then?”

“I had to see Ollie and Red.”

“Oh, them two. You’d be better off spending time with Amanda than with that pair of plonkers. As long as you’re careful, though. We don’t want no babbies around here. “

“Mum!” Archie’s cheeks were burning.

“Well, she’s upset, anyway.” Grandma sniffed. “She’s a really nice young lady. You want to hold on to that one.” She turned to look at Archie’s mum. “I don’t think you need worry about any unwanted babbies. She’s got her head screwed on all right. And she’s got some self-respect. She wouldn’t let him have his way with her.”

“Charming,” said Archie. “And don’t talk about me as if I’m not here.” Bloody hell, I wish she would let me.  I bet Millie would. Oh God!  He remembered Millie’s legs. And that one time – the one and only time – Amanda had let him touch her breast. Gorgeous, both of them. But these women were doing his head in.

Well,” said Grandma, standing up. “You’d better start respecting us women if you want us to respect you. I’ll be on my way, now, Bren.” She turned to face Archie. “You’ll lose her if you ain’t careful. In fact, you might have already.” She touched Archie gently on the shoulder. “I hope not though.  I really hope not.”

Archie thought he was going to cry. Please, not in front of these two. Bloody hell, what an idiot.

Grandma nodded. “Tara, then.”

They stood in silence until they heard Grandma slam the front door.

Mum shook her head. “Well then.”          

“Is there any supper left?” asked Archie. “I’m starving.”

“There’s some stew in that saucepan.” She nodded to the big red pan that was still on the stove. “You can have some bread with it.  Only you’ll have to get it yourself. I’ve got a pie-lining to do.”

“How do you line a pie?” asked Archie.

“A. Pile. Of. Ironing. Including your school shirts.  By God it’s about time you learnt to do them yourself. ”

Mrs Raybald went into the utility room and began wrestling with the ironing board.   

Archie turned on the gas and took the crusty loaf out of the bread bin and cut himself a huge slice. Just as he was setting himself a place at the kitchen table the door was flung open and his dad marched in. His face was bright red.

“What the ‘ell you bin up to?” Mr Raybald poked Archie in the chest. “I’ve just had Freddie Benson on the phone. Seems that you and his nipper and that wimpy friend of yours have been causing a bit of bother down at his club.”

“What do you mean?”

“Setting off fire alarms and stuff. He’s going to get a fine now for getting the fire brigade out on a false shout.”

“That was Chuffy’s fault. He didn’t need to call the fire brigade. It was only Red’s ciggy.”

“And anyway, you shouldn’t have even bin there. You’m all underage.”

“Mr Benson don’t mind. If it’s not during opening hours.”

“Well, he’ll mind now.” Mr Raybald prodded Archie in the chest again. “You’m all banned now. And what’s this about ciggies?”

“That was only Red,” said Archie. “I don’t smoke. You know I don’t. Can’t afford it. It’s like burning money.” Well, that at least was partly the truth. He used to smoke. Then Amanda had complained that she didn’t like the taste of cigarettes when he kissed her. So, he’d forced himself to do without. And yes, it did give him a bit more cash – that he’d spent mainly on her. 

“Hmm! And Chuffy said you’d all been drinking beer. You know Fred Benson could lose his license if they find out.”                        

“It warn’t me. It was Red and Ollie.” Archie could hear a strange buzzing in his left ear. “I ain’t old enough am I?” The buzzing got louder. This was happening more and more these days – every time he told a fib he would hear this same strange noise.

Mr Raybald frowned. “That never used to stop me when I was your age. Got thrown out of the Jinglers on my eighteenth – bin drinking there for months. So I don’t believe you, chummy. You’m either a fibber or a wimp. Either way, you’m grounded.”

“Dad!”

“Yep. You ain’t going out except for school until after Christmas.”

“Dad! That’s nearly three weeks. I’ll miss all the parties.”

“That’s right. And you can phone Fred Benson and apologise. You’d better say you’re sorry to Chuffy as well.”

“I bet the other two won’t be grounded for so long.”

“Oh yes, they will. And young Fred’s got to help with the cleaning for two hours after school every day an’ all. Count yourself lucky.”

This was terrible. He wouldn’t be able to take Amanda out. Or go to hers. It was better at hers. She didn’t have any brothers or sisters and her mum and dad both worked and went out a lot. It meant they had the place to themselves most of the time. Time and space for some serious snogging. “Can Amanda come round, though?” he asked, feeling sick at what was most likely going to be the answer. The buzzing in his ear wasn’t helping either.

“That’s another thing. Your Ma’s a bit worried about that. Reckons you two are getting a bit too close. She ain’t happy about all that time you spend up in your room. She wanted me to have a word.” Mr Raybald blushed and looked away. “I mean, she wanted to know if you’re-  er – you know – taking precautions. I could, em, I could get you something, you know, if …”

“Dad! Amanda’s not like that.”

“Well, anyway, it’s no longer a problem.” Mr Raybald was smirking now. “Cos, no, she can’t come round. You’ll just have to make do with your mobile and your computer. And no running up huge bills either.”

Damn. Damn and double damn.

Suddenly there was another sizzling noise, even louder than the one already in his ear.

“You’d better get that then.” Mr Raybald nodded to the pan whose contents were now spilling on to the stove. “Or your supper will be ruined. Not that you deserve any supper.” He went out of the kitchen and closed the door.

Archie turned the cooker off and stared at the mess.

Damn!

The door to the utility room opened. “What the heck have you been doing, Archie? And you’re dad’s right, you know. You can’t be too careful”

“Mum, Amanda’s not like that,” said Archie. “Grandma’s right.”

“I know love. She’s a really nice girl. But you know. At your age – well you can get carried away. And it’s precisely because she is so nice that you wouldn’t think to have precautions ready.”

Archie nodded. He hadn’t got the heart to tell her he always had a couple of condoms in his pocket and a big bag of them in the drawer of his bedside table. He wouldn’t dare tell Amanda either. She’d take it totally the wrong way.

Mrs Raybald looked at pan. She took a wooden spoon out of the jar at the side of the cooker and stirred the contents. “I think we can save most of this,” she said. “You get it down you while I clear this up.”

“It’s all right, Mum,” said Archie. “I’m not that hungry now. I’ll deal with the mess.”

“That’s a shame.” Mrs Raybald rubbed Archie’s back. “But I can’t help feeling a bit relieved that you won’t be seeing Amanda for a while. You two were getting much too serious.”                

Archie lay in the dark, staring at the ceiling of his bedroom. He wished he’d got stars on them like he used to have at the house on Shaftesbury Street. His dad had spent hours sticking them up there, copying the exact pattern of the night sky on Arhcie’s sixth birthday. But he couldn’t be arsed to do it again after they’d moved.

“You’m old enough and daft enough to do it yourself now,” Dad had said when Archie asked. “if you’ really want it.”

Archie couldn’t be arsed either, in the end. Shame. It would have been nice now, staring at the stars. Perhaps he could get some while he was cooped up. Maybe Grandma could be persuaded to buy him some. It would pass the time a bit, studying the star maps working out where to stick them on the ceiling. 

He picked up his phone form the bedside table, willing it to ring. He’d tried calling Amanda. Six times. She wasn’t picking up. And he’d sent her two texts. She hadn’t replied. It had been a bum night for phone calls. He’d tried Freddie’s a couple of times as well but both Mr Benson and Chuffy had been too busy to come to the phone. Mind you, that had been a bit of a relief. He didn’t really want to talk to them two. Red’s and Ollie’s phones had gone straight to voicemail. Maybe they’d lost phone rights as well. At least his dad was still letting him use his mobile and his computer. 

Suddenly his phone lit up. Amanda.

He sat upright. He was trembling as he accepted the call.

“Hello, Archie.”

“Hi.” His voice was squeaky. He swallowed.

“Did your grandma tell you I saw her?”

“Yes, she did. I’m sorry. I fibbed. I couldn’t think what else to say.”

“You could always tell the truth, Archie. Why didn’t you want to see me tonight?”

“I wanted to meet my mates. I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“I wouldn’t have minded you seeing your mates. I like to meet the girls sometimes as well.”    

“Yeah. I should have realised that.”

“So, you’ve been trying to phone me.  What do you want to tell me? I’m sorry I couldn’t answer. I was too upset.” She sounded as if she was going to cry.

“Please don’t be upset. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not very nice Archie.”

He took a deep breath. “I’ve got some more bad news,” he said. “I’ve been grounded until after Christmas. And Dad says you can’t even come here. I can only phone, text or email you.”

“Is that another fib, Archie?”

“It’s the truth, honest.”

“Why are you grounded?”

Archie sighed. “Because we were at Freddie’s and Red’s ciggie set the fire alarm off.”

“I suppose I can check that with Red.”

“Don’t you believe me?”

“It’s hard to believe you sometimes, Archie.”

Archie couldn’t think what to say.

Then she sighed. “You really haven’t got anything else to tell me?”

“No, why should I have?” Archie’s ear started buzzing.

“You’re sure?”

“What do you mean?” The buzzing got louder.

“Toby saw you with Millie Davies at Carters Green. And he said you weren’t exactly talking about the weather.”

“Oh.” Toby Johnson must have been on that bus. He’d been too busy charming the old ducks to notice. Shit, shit shit. Bloody Toby Johnson. He always had fancied Amanda but until now she’d wanted nothing to do with him.

“Is that all you can say?”

“It was Millie… She…”

“Archie Raybald, consider yourself dumped. I never want to see you again.” She was sobbing as she ended the call.

Archie dropped the phone as if it was a hot coal. This couldn’t be happening. This was a nightmare. But at least the buzzing had stopped.     

Archie carried on staring at the ceiling for a long while. Then his phone rang again. Millie Davies. Bloody bitch. He’d give her what for. “What the hell do you want?” he shouted into his phone.

“Oh, don’t be like that Archie. I wondered whether you was all right.”

“Why the fuck shouldn’t I be?” He wasn’t of course. But there was no need for her to know that.

“Only… I thought, maybe… you and Amanda might have split up.”

“Yup!”

“She knows about us, don’t she?”

“What us?”

“It was that Toby. He told her, I bet. He was on your bus, you know.”

“That’s what she said.” How the hell did Millie know that? Why would Toby have told her?

“He phoned me about our maths homework. He told me he’d seen us snogging in the bus shelter. He said he was going to tell Amanda. He said it wasn’t fair, you cheating on a nice girl like that.”

Did he really?

“Well, he went and did it, didn’t he?”  Archie couldn’t help thinking that Millie had put Toby up to it. In fact, he bet she’d phoned him and all the stuff about the maths homework was a lie. He wondered whether her ear was buzzing.

“Yeah. I’m so sorry about that. Look, my offer still stands. My olds are away at the weekend. You can come round and fuck me if you want. We’d have the place to ourselves.” Well, she came right out with it didn’t she?

Archie couldn’t speak. He swallowed. God, it was tempting. Just think. No more frustration. Just letting go. It would be different from when he did it to himself, he guessed.   Those legs, that smooth soft skin. Oh God.

“Well, what do you think?” she said softly.  

Archie suddenly remembered Amanda sobbing. Good job he’d got the perfect excuse. “Can’t. I’m grounded,” he said.

“Oh.”

“And you’re a bloody slapper.”

“Pardon?”

Archie ended the call.

He switched on his light and then booted up his computer. He may as well check his emails and do a bit of surfing. Crikey, he might even do a bit of his homework. That would be a first. Doing homework because he couldn’t sleep.

There was an email from Ollie. And Ollie was online. Good. They could chat.  

You grounded as well? They’ve taken my phone off me and I’ve had to apologise to Fred Benson and Chuffy. That was embarrassing. 

You too? I never managed to get through.  Dreading it. At least they’ve let me keep my phone.

Lucky bastard. I guess all I can do is lie here and wank and dream about Millie.

Mate, I’d keep away from her if I was you. She’s a right tart. Goes for anything in trousers.

Even me?

Especially you I should think. Archie’s ear started buzzing. But don’t go there. She’s probably got something nasty that she’ll pass on to you.  The buzzing was now unbearable. Sorry mate. I’d better go. Ain’t feeling too good.

Archie knew what he had to do next.     

Grandma answered straight away. “Good job I’m still reading Archie. It’s way past my bed time. What do you want?”