She held her
breath as he latched on to her nipple. There was always a sharp pain as the
milk came down and it was matched each time by a sensation of shrinking in her
womb. Six weeks now after the birth, she was still bleeding. Every time she fed
him, she bled more.
‘It’s natural,’ said Narisja. ‘Whenever He sucks at
your breast, your womb will shrink. He will make you slimmer’
It felt as if he were
biting her. She imagined that there were huge teeth inside that tiny mouth.
They only came out when he wanted milk. The rest of the time they lay hidden
behind the innocent gums.
The pain lasted a few
seconds. Then the other pain would start. The dull ache in her womb, which
minutes later would be relieved as a fresh spurt of blood trickled into the pad
she wore between her legs.
Then she could relax.
It made her feel sleepy as the small child sucked slowly at her breasts.
Sometimes, she thought of when Gabrizan had touched her there. She had loved
that too. Now, though, that seemed wrong.
These are for the baby, she thought. These were never
meant for you.
The child patted her
breasts as he fed. It felt right. Every now and then, he stopped. Then he would
start again. The Mother knew instinctively exactly when to move him from one
side to the next.
‘You are doing well,’
Narisja said. ‘The Child is gaining weight rapidly. And look how his cheeks are
filling out.’
But the Mother could
see the worry in the old woman’s eyes.
The Mother looked at
her child. She couldn’t love him. She enjoyed feeding him, but that was all. It
was Saratina who patted him afterwards, and cooed at him and made the funny
grunting noise, which were her only words and which he seemed to love.
All the Mother could
see was blackness. He was a parasite, feeding off her, taking away her life. He
had forced her to live here, to abandon the life where everything was right,
where everything should have been wonderful.
She was glad, though,
that she was still the Mother, the Queen Bee, the most important member of the
hive. She allowed Narisja and Saratina to serve her every need. They brought
her food and drink. The old woman made her drink gallons of the cave water.
‘You must take in so
much fluid,’ she said. ‘The baby is taking most of yours.’
The regime of the
nightly porterbeer continued.
‘He needs the iron as
much as you,’ said Narisja. ‘You need it still. You must be strong for the sake
of the Peace Child.’
The baby always slept
well after she had drunk the porterbeer, and that allowed her to sleep for five
or six hours at night.
The two other women
dressed him and changed his nappies. The Mother watched, glad that she did not
have to handle the stinking mess. The baby squirmed and yelled as the women
pulled his clothes on to him.
How can anyone love that? the Mother asked herself. It’s not a child. It’s just a
demanding lump of flesh, a food processor.
She stopped caring
about her own appearance. She would never have washed if Narisja had not made
her. The older woman also made her clean her teeth, often having to force her
mouth open and brush them herself.
‘You’ll lose your
teeth if you don’t take care of them,’ she said to the Mother. ‘The child has
taken a lot of your calcium.’
It was Saratina who
stroked the Mother’s hair and brushed it a hundred times morning and night.
The Mother just turned
her face to the black wall of the cave, and that was all she saw: blackness
going on forever. She could not see a future for herself and her child. She
could not even recognise that she had a child.
She did see, though,
that Narisja and Saratina were becoming more and more concerned about her and
the Child.
‘She won’t touch Him
unless we make her,’ said the old woman. ‘She almost seems afraid of Him.’
Saratina grunted
sympathetically. She bent over the Child’s crib and stroked his cheek.
‘Even the Peace Child
needs mother love,’ said Narisja. ‘What can we do?’
Saratina just shook
her head and looked sadly at the sleeping baby.
Narisja sighed.
The Mother listened.
They were right. The baby did need mother love. But I just can’t move
towards him, she thought. I am
frozen.
The baby carried on
gaining weight and he looked healthy enough. The Mother also seemed to be
thriving. Her figure was trim again and she was less pale than she had been
straight after the birth. Yet there was something not quite right. She seemed
to be in a dream.
Ben-Menriah continued
to come every week. He loved to play with the Child.
‘You will be a fine
story-teller,’ he said. ‘You carry the stories of the world in your soul.’
He was happy to throw
the Child over his shoulder and pat his back after he had been fed. The baby
would give a loud burp, often puking the last of his milk over the Wiseman’s
shoulder.
Narisja would fetch
him a cloth and wipe his tunic.
‘Your clothes will be
ruined,’ she said.
But Ben-Mariah would
only laugh. ‘What do a few soiled garments matter when I’m holding the fulfilment
of a prophecy in my arms? Besides, baby spittle smells sweet and soon washes
out.’
Then, when the babe
was settled and asleep again, Ben-Mariah would continue with his tales. The
Mother listened. There was a little comfort in them, but they lacked the
excitement they had brought her earlier. Then always, before he went away,
there was the whispered conversation in the entrance to the cave.
‘So there’s no
improvement?’ he asked.
‘No, she still does
not seem interested in the Boy,’ said Narisja.
Ben-Mariah would shake
his head sadly. ‘Her soul is sick,’ he said. ‘We must find the story which will
cure it, if the Boy is to grow strongly.’
She heard every word
that they said about her, but she did not give anything away. She continued to
stare blankly at the cave wall.
The Mother finished
the feed, and handed the baby over to Saratina, who burped him, changed his
nappy, rubbed noses with him and giggled at him and then laid him in his cot.
She bent over and made her cooing, grunting little noises at him, just as she
did every time she laid him down. Suddenly she cried out. Even the Mother was
alarmed, and wondered whether the Child was hurt.
Saratina rushed over
to her and grabbed her arm. She had to follow her to the crib. Saratina was
pointing excitedly at the baby, squeaking and clapping her fists together.
‘What is it Saratina?’
asked the Mother. ‘What’s the matter? What’s happened?’
‘Mmm!’ insisted
Saratina.
The Mother looked into
the cot. Kaleem was lying on his back, his feet and arms kicking in the air.
His deep blue eyes were looking into hers. For a second she saw his father and
then she saw something of her own father. The baby smiled and giggled.
Something changed in
her.
‘Does the Peace Child
have a name now?’ asked Narisja.
‘Yes,’ replied the Mother.
‘He is my Kaleem,’ she said, stroking his cheek. ‘My precious child’
She took him out of
his cot and held him close.